Death By Swan
by 2brown-eyes
Summary: Sometimes even a tiny taste of the forbidden can conjure up overwhelming consequences. Entry of the TwiFandomNew Forbidden Fruit Contest


**A/N: This is my entry for TwiFandomNews Forbidden Fruit Contest. It placed 3** **rd** **public and was validator, HoneymoonEdward's Favorite.** **April and Gabby, thank you for pre-reading, and Fran, thank you for editing. Any mistakes left are my own.**

 **DISCLAIMER: Twilight and its inclusive material is copyright to Stephenie Meyer. Original creation, including but not limited to plot and characters, is copyright to the respective authors of each story. No copyright infringement is intended.**

 **Caution: From reviews from the contest, I've been told this entry has caused many readers to laugh aloud. So you are forewarned that you may wake up anyone sleeping near you or call attention to yourself in the office. lol**

 **Death by Swan**

 **EPOV**

Argh

My head felt like a jackhammer was inside it, and the room seemed excessively bright. I groaned and covered my head with my pillow. I was immediately hit with the smell of alcohol, sweat, and smoke from the previous night's activities. I tossed the pillow away and tried to use my arm instead.

"Hey watch it," someone complained sleepily.

I lifted my head slightly and realized we had all crashed on the floor of Emmett's childhood bedroom. The pounding wasn't just in my head but on the door to his room. Whoever it was had gotten tired of waiting and opened it, causing it to hit the wall much too loudly.

"Rise and shine, boys. It's a beautiful day for a wedding," Emmett's baby sister, Bella, announced cheerfully.

She stood there with her hands on her hips. She was wearing a thin-strapped tank top that hugged the curves of her chest and a pair of itty-bitty shorts. Her hair was piled on her head in a sloppy bun, but she looked like an angel to me.

"What the hell, Bella, it's way too early," Emmett complained in a raspy voice.

"Awww, is poor Emmie Wemmie, hung over? I told you that drinking the night before your wedding was a dumb idea. Rose is going have a fit if you throw up on her at the altar," Bella taunted as she crossed her arms under her chest, plumping up her beautiful, round breasts as she leaned against the doorframe.

"I won't throw up," Emmett grumbled, sitting up in his bed. "Ugh, …at least I hope not. Did you just call me Emmie Wemmie?"

He rubbed his face with his hand then looked at Bella, who was watching him with amusement and shaking her head. Suddenly, his eyes bugged out. "What the hell are you wearing? Or should I say, not wearing? Go get dressed; you can't walk around the house naked."

"Oh. MY God. Calm down, the vein in your forehead is popping out like Dad's did when he caught you with pot in your sock drawer." Bella rolled her eyes. "Besides, I'm fully dressed. Rose, your soon-to-be wife, is making all her bridesmaids wear this before the wedding. See."

Bella turned around and showed us her cute butt that said _'bridesmaid'_ in rhinestones. I shifted in my spot as my shorts became a bit uncomfortable.

"It looks great," I said.

Emmett shot me a dark glare, and I turned my head. Bella spun back around and smiled at me.

"Thank you, Edward. I wish I could say the same, but the four of you look as if you rolled out of a dumpster from behind the lodge's bar, and it smells like it too." She made a face.

Bella turned back to her brother with one eyebrow raised and her hand still on her hip. "And to show you what a sweet sister I am, even though you are a grumpy, old bear, right now, I made Gran-gran's hangover cure for the four of you. It's on the kitchen counter; there are eggs, pancakes, and bacon in the oven, staying warm. I have to run and get my hair and makeup done. You need to be at the church by twelve-thirty. Are any of you awake and sober enough to remember that?" she asked.

"Yeah…I am…ugh…why does it taste like I slept with a sock in my mouth," Jasper complained.

"Probably, because you used a pile of my brother's nasty gym socks as a pillow." Bella wrinkled her nose.

Jasper turned sharply and looked behind him. "Gross man, you better not have jizzed in those."

"Ewww…I so didn't need to hear that. Emmett…don't fall back to sleep," Bella spoke loudly.

"I'm up…I'm up…twelve-thirty, I'll be there. Thank you for the Gran-gran special." Emmett yawned and stretched.

"And breakfast," I added.

"You're all welcome. I'll see ya' at the church." Bella headed back out the door.

"Put some clothes on," Emmett bellowed after her.

"I can't hear you. Love you. Buh-bye," she yelled.

"I swear she's going to be the death of me. And, you, wankers, stay away from my baby sister. Especially, you, Edward, I saw how you were looking at her." Emmett glared at me.

"I'm sorry man, I couldn't help it. Your sister is hot," I said without thinking. I got a pillow in the face, full on.

I tossed it back, and Emmett caught it one handed and twisted it out of shape. He pointed his finger at me in anger.

"Bella is only fifteen years old, you pervert," Emmett snapped.

FIFTEEN!

Dam! Emmett was right, I am a sick pervert.

Jasper whistled. "Dang. If she looks like that at fifteen, in another few years…"

"Hey." Emmett bellowed so loudly the items on the shelves shook.

Mike shot up from his deep sleep with arms over his head. "hey, hey, macho, macho man." He blinked and looked around in confusion, his blond hair stuck out all over the place. "Where am I?"

"Swan's casa." Jasper got his feet.

"Shit, we went to Spain. I really must have blacked out; I don't remember getting on a plane." Mike was in the roughest shape out of the four of us.

"No, numskull, we're in Forks, the wedding is today. We better get showered and drink whatever the Gran-gran's special is," I told him.

We had to take turns with the shower since the Swan household only had one. Mike was shoved in first. Hopefully, with the water on cold, it would wake him from his stupor. Jasper stayed upstairs to make sure he didn't drown himself.

I followed Emmett into the kitchen, and on the counter, were four tall glasses filled to the brim with the strangest colored liquid. Emmett grabbed two of them and handed one to me.

"What's in this?" I asked, taking a cautious sniff.

"A little of this, a little of that…I really don't know. Bella knows the recipe; it's like a miracle drink. I can't tell you how many times this concoction saved my ass in high school." Emmett took a large sip.

"You had your little sister make this for you, so you didn't get caught drinking. That's messed up, dude."

Hell, it was wrong enough that a fifteen-year-old was making a hangover cure for four twenty-three-year-old guys, but when he was in high school, she had to be what, nine or ten?

I took a tentative sip and almost spat it out. "Yuck…"

"Sorry, I should have warned you. It tastes like shit, but in a half-hour, you should feel as good as new." Emmett pinched his nose and drank it down in gulps.

I followed suit and made a face. I swear I could taste pickles. There also seemed to be a bunch of other flavors mixed that didn't all go together. I finished quickly and hoped it was worth it.

Emmett grabbed the food from the oven and set it in front of us. I took a pancake and made a breakfast burrito using the pancake as the shell and eggs and bacon as the filling.

"Bella was sweet to do this," I commented.

"My sister is always sweet, and even though she may have a mouth on her, she is also naïve. She doesn't need guys sniffing around her." Emmett shoved a strip of bacon into his mouth.

"Dude, you've known me since freshman year at U-Dub. When have I ever treated a girl wrong?" I asked.

"You haven't," he admitted. "But she's young…too young."

"I know, fifteen. But it's going to happen eventually. Jasper is right, she is…"

"Don't finish that sentence…" Emmett threw a bit of scrambled eggs at me, causing me to duck.

 **FF**

We were at the church in plenty of time, dressed in our tuxes and ready to go. The other three seemed to be back to normal with no signs of being drunk the night before. Emmett was right; my headache went away before we left the house.

However, ever since we arrived at the church, my insides started to take a turn for the worse. I didn't feel like I had to throw up…it felt as if someone was gripping my intestines and twisting and pulling them into knots. And the pressure was starting to become unbearable. I had only experienced a feeling like this once before, and it made me really worried about what was going come next.

"I'm going to go check on the girls to make sure they are running on time," I told the others.

"With Alice at the helm, they're probably already lined up and ready to go." Jasper chuckled, fixing his tie in the mirror.

"All the more reason to make sure we aren't the holdup, right?" I slipped out the room before I could get a response.

I hurried down the church corridor, to the small room where the bridal party was getting ready. I knocked on the door and waited for someone to answer. I tried to think of some excuse to speak to Bella alone when she opened it herself.

"Can I talk to you for a moment?" I whispered.

"Sure." She shrugged, as she turned to the side door and yelled inside. "I'll be back in a second."

She stepped out into the hall, and I took a small step back. I couldn't help looking her over. She was breathtaking in a scarlet red dress with red roses pinned into the curls of her hair.

It was confirmed. I was going to hell.

"What do you think?" She spun in a small circle for me.

"You look…cute." I settled on a safe word.

"Cute?" Bella looked disappointed as her shoulders slumped and her lower lips stuck out in a pout.

"I'm sorry to bug you, but I need to know what was in the drink," I queried.

"Sorry, it's a secret family recipe. Gran-gran made me promise to only pass it on to my children." She gave me a half-shrug.

"Please…were there mangos in it?" I asked, desperately.

Bella's brown eyes widened in panic. "Oh…no. Are you allergic? Shit, I should have checked. There are mangos in it. They're one of the fruits that help with rehydration and electrolytes or some shit like that."

"I'm not allergic per se." I groaned, not wanting to tell her the nasty side effects I got the last time I tried one.

"What does that mean? Do you need a doctor?" Bella became very nervous.

"No…I just need to find a ba…"

"No, time, you should have gone earlier." Alice came rushing out the door. "It's time for the ceremony to begin. Go make sure the guys are up at the altar. The bride walks in less than five."

"Wait…maybe…" Bella gave me a worried look.

"It'll be fine." I forced a smile and prayed that I made it through the ceremony before the shit hit the fan...literally.

Mangos…my arch nemesis…the ultimate forbidden fruit.

Sure, they taste perfectly sweet and delicious, making them appear innocent and tempting. However, once consumed, they hit you with the most gut-wrenching, gastro disaster known to mankind.

Thankfully, Rose and Emmett, opted for the short ceremony and not a full mass wedding. There was a slight chance I could make it through without dropping the M-bomb. The four of us walked out to the front of the altar as the beginning notes of the music began. Emmett glanced at me and quirked an eyebrow.

"Are you okay, you're looking green? I thought I was the one who was supposed to be nervous," Emmett asked.

"I'm fine," I lied.

The girls started coming down the aisle one by one. Bella was second in the procession. She smiled beautifully, and when she got to the top, she glanced at me and bit her lip anxiously. A moment later, Alice stepped in front of her just before the music changed.

I could hardly pay attention to the ceremony as my gut kept twisting in knots. I wished the minister would hurry, because my time was running short. I clenched my butt cheeks, hoping to hold it in. Sweat beaded on my brow as I fought the urge to let go.

Fffffffffffff

Thank God, that was silent. Jasper coughed behind me, letting me know that it still didn't go completely unnoticed.

"If anyone knows any reason why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your piece," Pastor Meyers said.

frr frr frrrrrr

Ssssssss-sssssst-t-t-t

THPPTPHTPHPHHPH

Then, a very slow drawn out…prtrtrtrgurtrufnasutututut

pff

poot

The sound echoed off the walls and the high-vaulted ceiling—too loud not to be noticed. The church went dead silent, much to my embarrassment. I wished the floors would open up, sending me straight into the fires of hell.

Emmett's shoulders started to shake.

Rosalie looked mortified.

Behind her, Alice's eyes were wide as she bit her lip, looking desperate to control herself.

Bella raised her hand, holding the bouquet to her face to hide her opened mouth, as her eyes met mine, full of sympathy.

The bridesmaid behind her was crying, she was laughing so hard.

"Ahh…man…" Jasper mumbled behind me.

The last one stunk to the high heavens. A smell of rotten eggs. You had the sense they had remained bottled up; festering for months until some fool broke the seal. It was the type that trickled slowly under your nose, burning the hairs off and making your eyes water. Jasper gagged and coughed behind me.

"Daddy, what was that noise?" Rose's niece asked her brother from the second row.

Emmett lost it and started laughing loudly. He leaned over and slapped his knee. Rose's annoyance melted as she began to giggle. Soon the whole church seemed to be laughing—except me.

And then…

"Groomsmen down!" someone shouted.

I turned to see that Jasper had passed out and had taken Mike down with him. It took about five minutes to get everything under control and every window in the church open.

On the bright side, after that last release of air, and the opened windows, I was feeling much better.

 **FF**

The ceremony concluded with no more interruptions, and as soon as pictures were taken, I excused myself to use the restroom. After I finished expelling the remainder of the evil, forbidden fruit, I threw my skid-marked boxers in the trash, marred forever by my sharting, and opted to go commando for the rest of the day. Those babies were goners! As I exited the bathroom, I found Bella leaning against the wall waiting for me, looking bored.

"Are you waiting for me?" I asked.

"I felt bad and didn't want you to go to the reception alone," she said kindly. "I am so sorry. Gran-gran's drink usually helps...it never causes more problems."

"This isn't your fault; how could you have known. The kicker is I _like_ mangos, they just don't like me and aren't shy about showing it," I tried to joke.

She smiled sympathetically. "Shall we? If we leave now, we should be just in time for the main course. That is, if you can eat."

"I'll be fine," I promised; the worst had to be over.

"Great, I have the keys to Rose's convertible. It's up to us to bring it to the church." Bella dangled the keys in her hand.

"Nice…I always wanted to drive it." I held my hands out for them.

"No way…I may feel guilty for the mangos, but I'm driving." Bella clutched the keys and held them to her.

"Do you have your learner's permit?" I asked, hesitantly.

I wasn't thrilled with the idea of letting her get behind the wheel. Rose's BMW was an expensive car, and she would be pissed if anything happened to it. I'm sure Chief Swan and Emmett wouldn't be too happy with me either.

"My learner's permit? No, I can't say that I do." Bella gave me a strange look.

"Then I can't let you. Your dad would kill me," I explained.

"Why does my dad have a say…I—" Bella stopped mid-sentence. "How old do you think I am?"

"Honestly, you look twenty, but Emmett said you were only fifteen," I told her.

Bella snorted. "I'm nineteen. My brother refuses to believe I'm all grown up and having sex. He's been in denial ever since he caught my high school boyfriend and me in the backseat of his car."

"Oh, thank God, I'm not going go to hell." I sighed in relief.

Bella gave me an amused look. "Why would you be going to hell?"

"For thinking, you look hot," I blurted out.

Her eyes widened, and her cheeks blushed to the match color of her dress. She then gave me a devious smile and stepped closer.

"You think I look hot? You told me I was _cute_." She mocked pouted.

I rubbed the back of my neck. "Yeah, well, that was when I thought you were a kid. And I was disgusted with myself for being attracted to you."

Her grin grew bigger, and she stood so close her chest brushed against mine. "Silly, Edward, I'm no little kid. Let me prove it."

She pressed her lips to mine as her tongue slipped into my mouth teasing me. My hands ran over her silk covered curves, pulling her closer. She moaned then playfully bit my lip.

"We can't." I stopped us before we went too far.

"Why?" Her lips remained millimeters from mine; her eyes were dark with lust.

"We're in a church," I reasoned.

"Right." She stepped back slightly, then fixed my tie.

"We should go before they send out a search party. I'm still driving." She grabbed my hand and led me to the door.

I couldn't help but let my eyes wander down to her sweet ass. She looked over her shoulder and caught me. She smirked and dropped the keys on the carpet in front of her.

"Oopsie." She bent down at the waist, giving me an even better view.

I groaned as she straightened and rubbed against my thigh. I took a quick step back, and she giggled.

"Are you coming?" She grinned wickedly.

She was going to be the death of me.

That is, if Emmett didn't get to me first.

Either way, it seemed it would be death by Swan.

"Not yet. But I plan to, later," I told her.

Her grin grew. "Is that a threat or promise?"

"It's whatever you want it to be." I offered her my hand.

 **FF**

We arrived at the reception, and all hopes of entering unnoticed were dashed with Emmett waiting outside, looking pissed.

"I don't suppose you have another one in you to leave Emmett a nice present for later," Bella asked.

"You mean purposely drop a bomb in the car? Isn't that a bit juvenile?" I chuckled.

"Sounds like something a fifteen-year-old would do." Bella snickered as she stepped out.

I laughed and waited until the door was closed before for filling her request. I got out of the car and shut the door quickly. Emmett was storming his way towards us.

"Good grief," Bella muttered before putting on a big smile. "What's wrong, grumpy bear? Shouldn't you be inside?"

"Where have the two of you been? You're lucky Dad hasn't noticed the two of you missing," Emmett thundered.

"Relax; we took a _ride_ in the car. I doubt anyone, but you knew we weren't in there," Bella answered.

"You better not mean what I think you do." Emmett's eyes narrowed at me.

"So what if we did? Isn't it customary for one of the bridesmaids to hook up with the best man? Alice is out since she's practically married to Jasper, so that leaves me," Bella's wit was going to get me killed.

Emmett gripped me by the front of my jacket. "I told you to stay away from my baby sister, she's only…"

"Nineteen…she's nineteen not fifteen, like you told me." I pushed him off me.

"Still, there's some sort of Bro code against hooking up with another's sister." Emmett's fist clenched.

"Isn't there also some sort of code that also says you don't boink the babysitter then marry her?" Bella stepped in between us.

"Rose babysat _you_ , not me." Emmett huffed.

"That's not that much different. If you hit him, Emmett Dale Swan, I'm going to be extremely pissed off at you. You leave us alone. What happens between us, happens between us, and not with you in the middle." Bella poked him in the chest. "

Emmett took a deep breath and looked away. "You hurt her, then the next time you fart, it will be at your funeral." He walked back into the hall without looking back.

Bella started laughing.

"I fail to see how this is funny," I muttered.

"Sorry, an image of his threat popped into my head. It was just too funny." She giggled.

"Well, the jokes on him, I left him a present in the car." I smirked.

"You didn't."

"I did. And since it will be sitting in the sun for a while, it should smell nice and ripe." I snickered.

"Poor, Rose, she doesn't deserve this." Bella couldn't control her giggles.

"Let's get inside before anything else happens. Save me a dance?" I asked.

"You can have all my dances if you buy me a drink." She batted her eyes at me.

"You're underage." I shook my head.

"Awww…come on, you can't tell me you never drank underage." She pouted.

"Fine, just one. What do you want?" I agreed.

"A mango martini?" Her eyes were filled with amusement.

I scowled and stopped, then pulled her close, stealing a quick kiss. Her eyes fluttered closed for a moment then she opened them looking a bit dazed.

"Fine, but that's the last kiss for the night. I'd not risking another episode with a mango." I let her go with a smirk.

"Make it strawberry, then." Bella snagged my tie and yanked me in for another kiss.

Yup ... I may have tasted the forbidden fruit, but for me, it would definitely be death by Swan.

 **A/N:**

 **This one shot was meant to be a humorous take on the forbidden fruit. A lot of the credit belongs to Fran for this one-shot. She had the idea the forbidden fruit should be actual fruit and result in an embarrassing situation. I couldn't think of anything more embarrassing than up at the alter at the wrong…or maybe the right time. Lol.**

 **Thank you all that voted and reviewed my story.**


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